"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

I was reading over past posts the other day, and it amazes me how consistent I used to be with writing on here. It's strange to look back on things I wrote in 2009 and realize how different those circumstances were compared to now, and how different I was. I think I'm more in tune with certain parts of myself these days. I've always known who I was, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go... but now, I'm very aware of everything I feel at every moment. Some of my previous blog posts were still "thought provoking," as some have said, but when I look back on what was written even a year ago? I was very cautious in the thoughts I provoked. I've always had a deeper, somewhat dark side to me, but I was hesitant to show it in its entirety. I didn't want to step too far out of the box for fear that I would be told disapproving things, that I wouldn't be accepted as much as I have been by those I know.  However, that caution was thrown out the window a while ago and I am not ashamed to quote Gone With The Wind by saying, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Oh, I swear when I'm upset. Did you know that?

I'm still very much the "me" that most people know. My personality hasn't changed, I still believe in being cordial, respectful and mature. I have and always will laugh. Relationships with those I care about are still top priority to me and I will still be my dorky, blunt, loving and caring self. I will always create and will never give up music. I'm a "good" girl, but I do rebel. I will always contemplate getting more piercings when I'm stressed or going through a huge change in life, and someday, I may actually go through with it again. Right now, a small tattoo has been on my mind. But, as I have stated before, some parts of me are gone and some parts of me are much more open and unapologetic. Like the tattoo for instance, I never would have told you a year ago that it was on my mind. Want to know a secret? I've thought about it for 2 years.

I no longer feel like these things need to remain locked in a little box when it comes to publicly stating what's on my mind. Those close to me know, have known, and are eerily good at knowing me on the good and bad days. But as far as announcing what some may deem as flaws? This is new and very comfortable for me. So, if you are reading my blog lately, you can accept and embrace the parts of me that I haven't shared with you previously, or you can choose to go a different route. Either way, this is me, this is real, and this is how my little spoonful of sugar will be from now on.

The whole reason for this post was to actually add something to this blog that I'm very proud of, but inspiration hit above and I went off on a tangent. Anyway, most everyone knows by now, but my "So Physical" EP was released on May 22nd of this year. I hold this project near and dear to my heart not only because I poured every ounce of my being into it, but because these were the last songs I wrote that my grandmother heard. Out of my library of originals that I was considering for studio production, she really liked these five. Incidentally, I met with my producer to begin this process a week before she was hospitalized. Considering I spent the majority of August, and all of September and October at the hospital with her, my outside time was mainly limited to a few hours of sleep and keeping my employment. Somehow I managed to sneak in some recording time on off hours (11 at night, anyone?) and bit by bit, these songs came together. When I knew things weren't going to go in a positive direction and that my grandma was not going to recover, I jetted into a mad dash to finish the EP so that she could hear it. Unfortunately, and it still breaks my heart as I write this, I lost her before that could happen. After her death in November, I waited until the middle of January to wrap things up in studio. My best friend (who had chilled with me during some sessions) had left on her mission the month before, so I was alone the night we mastered the disc. I remember sitting in my car on January 12th at 9 p.m. listening to the silence and feeling a sense of joy and sadness at the same time. I later went to the store and bought a celebratory marble cake.

So, this EP is dedicated to my beautiful grandma who showed me strength and passed down the shape of her nose my way. Without her musical talent and voice, I wouldn't have gotten the singing genes because they skipped my adorable mother. No matter how many songs I record in the future (and there will be more), these five will always matter to me. If you haven't listened yet and would like to, the links below will send you in the right direction.

iTunes

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